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2019 Song​-​a​-​Week Thingy

by John Brownell

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    If you buy this album, I'll send you a download code for the My Morbid Imagination EP which includes re-worked versions of 4 of these songs.
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1.
Your words get heard It’s hard to hear Your heart outsmarts Your inner ear Made too much noise to disappear And then you look up and realize that it is yet a new year You put the quill to ink You put the ink to paper You put the paper in the bin It happens every time Until you trick your own mind Into starting over again From the beginning The novelist gets pissed And writes a poem The poem’s shit so it Becomes a song The songwriter’s tired and hates to sing And so the tune becomes just melody without a story You press play and record And then you play some chords But you undo every take It happens every time You trick your own mind Into making a mistake And now you’re reeling I don’t need an outside voice to say when I succeed My inside voice says one more time my friend This time with feeling I don’t need to make any more resolutions I just need to find some paper and a pen And start over again From the beginning
2.
I don’t need a friend Who tells me everything is alright When it’s not alright But I don’t need a friend Who tells me everything is wrong When every thing is wrong You had your reasons for tightening the lid You had your reasons for keeping that fact hid While I cannot see the other side of your eyelids I wonder if you remember what you did Do you remember what you did? Well sure, I felt a bit stupid I admit took a cheap cheap shot Escalated when I shoulda just walked away But I swore I wouldn’t do it That thing where I pretend it’s alright When it’s not all right I had my reasons for walking on eggshells I didn’t wanna get into the lies we story-tell I wanna be the author of the writing on the wall So when you see it you will know who to call When you see it you will know who to call He don’t need a friend with which to play He don’t need to meditate He don't need to get to work by 8 He don’t need us He don’t need us Anyway You had your reasons for ripping off the lid You had your reasons for calling me on my bullshit We cannot see the other side of our ego trip But I remember what you did I remember what you did I don’t need a friend
3.
You are a sweet talker And I devour every word that you bake You are a fast walker And I struggle to keep up with your pace You are my beta blocker In a rainstorm under the roof You are electroshocker When this awful place drives me cuckoo And as the world gets meaner Our house gets cleaner It’s high time To get high Put on our birthday suits Lock the doors Ignore the wars Don’t watch the news There are plenty of people Who are much worse off And though I don’t know exactly who I’ll bet they’re fighting I hope they’re fighting in lieu Of me and you You are a laughing gasser I used to laugh at your worldview I am a first classer You once saw first class on your way to the loo I am the forecaster And there’s big storm making landfall We are dark matter It turns out we don’t matter at all And as the world grows ugly We’ll cuddle snugly It’s high time We get high As the world goes down the tubes Turn off our goddamn phones Blow each others’ nose And stop watching the fucking news There are plenty of people Who are much worse off Than me and you And I bet they’re fighting I’ll bet they’re fighting I’ll bet somebody’s fighting And since we’re not fighting I hope they do
4.
Took a lap Around the life sized map All frayed at the edges By the boundary hedges Where the pixels appear And the compass line veers Into the alpha glow Sat alone In the overgrown As the moon’s light traded With the sun’s light faded When a glitch in the system Revealed a hidden schism And the seams began to show In the grasses and in the trees On the edge of the periphery The cracks Distract Until the stitches are all I see But I’m not gonna think about it anymore Just want to sit and watch the way This day Fades from my display As the hidden hand traces the rays As the hidden hand traces the rays The hidden hand that animates us Also animates the stardust Though I’m inclined To think not so divine As I examine its kludgy design Could it be the engineering involved Is all mundane now and pretty much solved And now these gods unaware Of the gray in my hair Are stuck reticulating splines Your very own creator Master simulator Is asleep at the wheel How does it make you feel I’m not gonna think about it anymore Just want to watch and mystify The skies Reflected in my eyes As the hidden hand renders the light As the hidden hand renders the light Now the scene grows liminal I lose my grip on traditional And I surmise I'm just copy with no original I’m not gonna think about it anymore Just want to sit and watch the way This day Fades from the display As the hidden hand traces the rays I’m not gonna think about it anymore Just want to watch and mystify The skies Reflected in my eyes While the hidden hand hides from me The hidden hand hides from me
5.
They revealed themselves each dawn No choruses, no cannons, no gongs Their demonstrations drew in the throngs For an unexpected encounter Still, there were doubters They were lined up on your lawns where In a shimmery show they just spawned there And they spoke in peculiar tongues Like some distant out-of-towners Still, there were doubters All the things they left in a rush All the things we’ve gained All the meaning is lost to us All the beauty remains Still, there are doubters
6.
You light the kitchen fire Turn to face the night You are the town crier But tonight your cheeks are dry You fill your vessel full You can’t see anything as it really is And though you never will Every mundane thing is filled with brilliance Every mundane thing is filled with light Your love is a work of art With watercolor guns I’ve been breaking hearts Since before you even had one You say I’m adorably disappointing But that’s not my intention We break up in slow-mo Just because I want to stay Don’t mean that I do not want to go You start the kitchen fire Turn to face the night You are the town crier But tonight your cheeks are dry When the sickness hits your gut And your heart collapses Into the singularity Please remember With enough pressure Anything can become a black hole
7.
My pretty ditty pits its Petulant intents against The sense my friends are fences I must try to ascend I dreamed a different scene The grass was greener I could glean a new crew One that would skew to Venues i don't do And for the first time in my life I’ll sing about the last time In my life I’ll never figure it out Oh my God I’ll never figure it out The Michiganders Set the standard I got gerrymandered My head was redistricted My heart was unbound I flew the coop, regrouped And discharged all my troops I scooped good views And dirtied shoes Now i avoid my old town And for the last time in my life I’ll sing about the first time In my life I’ll never figure it out Oh my God I’ll never figure it out For the first time in my life I felt justified to Harmonize For the first time in my life I started writing songs and making music That I actually kinda liked to listen to And I was like Oh My God I think I figured it out I think I figured it out
8.
A rose is a rose is a rose Or so it goes But you by any other name Would not be the same And I’m beginning to fear That you were never even really here What is in a name? What is in a name? When your name is fiction
9.
I dreamed i was surrounded by my very own sycophants My friends were smiling, talking but I couldn’t hear what they said It was my own private Mar a Lago They called me sir and offered anything i wanted They shielded me from scrutiny no matter what i did It was my own private Mar a Lago I sidled up to the omelet bar Like Napolean Bonaparte "Make me one with extra ketchup and hold the caviar" I made the rounds glad-handing every hand in sight They snickered as they called me eloquent and erudite It was my own private Mar a Lago There was a huge christmas palm tree Below a huge portrait of me In a huge mansion built on hyperbole I was the commander and the chief I was surrounded by gold leaf Oh say can you see the chateau glow It’s my own private Mar a Lago
10.
She’s got a stone inside her chest Like an anchor tying down her heart and yet She tells her mother not to fret She’s been making plans and there’s no time for regret She pulls on her nicest dress And pedals down the road She knows exactly where to go She knows the guard won’t even ask it Ask what she’s got there in her bicycle basket She turned 14 years this summer But everyone says she looks 2 years younger And those men are always bored Drinking hard and telling jokes about the war And hoping for more war She was just a kid But that didn’t stop him from looking And when she led him from the pub He didn’t think twice about how old she was They say these soldiers learned the hard way Well they don’t know what the hard way is Because they haven’t seen the things these soldiers did They say these soldiers are young Well she would beg to differ They have an army She don’t have an army But she has a gun She has a gun She was just a kid There’s no getting around it If you were just fourteen Could you even get through it If you had a time machine Would you go back and help her do it?
11.
I never thought I’d have to be the one to say to you Darling Every single thing you’ve come to know is wrong. It’s startling. As the sticky cloudy mess of your old memories displace You’ll find You’re exactly where you’ve always been in this particular space And time It always starts out unfamiliar But true awareness is a real pain killer And soon enough you’ll recognize this voice is mine I never thought I’d have to be the one to tell you Darling Every little thing you’ve come to know as something was nothing. And the itchy sneaking sense you recognize as familiarity Baby It over exposes your nerves they grow like roses it’s true This is the real you The mysterious dream foundation of The collective consciousness is love In the library of your mind I hope you didn’t waste your time
12.
I wasn't looking for a friend But apparently you were You would show up here every day In the field while I work You’d seem to wonder why I don’t just up and fly And leave this work behind me I wasn't looking for a friend But apparently you knew She’s been gone for 3 years now Or is it only 2? You have no need for me I used to chase you from the apple tree But now it makes me smile to see you here again When I look at you like I just wanna leave You look back as if to say, “Just use your wings." Silly bird I wasn’t looking for a friend But there you are Looking at me like I’m dummy As I get into my car And say out loud, “I’ll see ya later”
13.
My love looks up as if to say isn't it spectacular the way The light just bends And all the receivers in the world Inside the tumble and the twirl Cannot conceive of where it ends And look See how it shatters and explodes upon the brook I don’t know why it leaves me shook I’m simultaneously enraptured and confused So confused My love looks up at me and blinks She don’t need to tell me what she thinks The creek explains what’s in her head So I sit in silence until night Refract her gaze with delight Wink to acknowledge what was said So sweet What starts out as panic always turns to glee Her incandescence lights my mind Her self-luminous design Is all I need to see Let’s go Let's focus our optics on the rainbows Let's shake off the shadows Let's exit the penumbra for the glow
14.
The shifting lines Of the merchants and their signs Built many years ago Threaten to outgrow The anxious sun That warms the bees In the fruit trees Buzzing around like they know They may not be around tomorrow Oh have they seen The computer machine So cold is that warm wonder And there’s a hidden maze Behind the cathode rays Where the smell of the ozone might remind them of the thunder (and rain) There’s an old joke About a poor old bloke Who’s being outrun by his friend While being chased by an elephant Or something like that You may feel like a dummy If you don’t think it’s funny Buzzing around like you know You may not be around tomorrow And tomorrow feels So perfect and real Really really real and frustrating (they knew) Ready for you Ready to take action and do Any and every thing that it’s gonna take (it’s true) You are the blessed ones But your daughters and your sons They’re lost in the tableau (and they know) It’s your fault lines In your ageing spines And the greatest gift you can give is getting to know Getting to know that you may not be around tomorrow
15.
She’s outside with the alley ants While he’s inside doing cocaine comedy with his cobweb legs She’s a girl who loves a friendly flight While he’s an apathetic dinosaur who locks the door in a friendly fight And he loves the way she doesn’t love him anymore He was born with his inside out She was born outside in silence and doubt He feels like a conscious calculator She feels like a crooked road with a tired toad wishing that she was straighter And he loves the way she doesn’t love him And he loves the way she doesn’t love him anymore Floating reminiscence obscure and vague, cruel and sedate Unite the broken links in the chain of memory It seems easy to see the degree to which they feel the need to disagree Do they see how strange it is to be this way? It doesn’t seem like it And he loves the way she doesn’t love him And he loves the way she doesn’t love him anymore
16.
Well it's a straight shot From my house through The icy parking lot Adjacent to The shopping mall That's where i'll be with you today Orange julius Icy cold and sweet In that indoor Air-conditioned breeze Two lips, one straw As we brain freeze together And we will avoid The kids who smoke out front By the busted bike racks They don't even care who sees them And we won't care Who sees us holding court In the food court The hot chick At the hot topic May be eye candy For those strange myopic Goth kids But that's not me And as we walk by the store With the pink lingerie We'll smile and blush And pick up the pace Until we find sanctuary At Abercrombie And we will avoid Laughing at the elderly power walkers They don't even care who sees them And we won't care Who sees us holding hands At the food court My stepdad Always complains About the kids these days And when he asked me with a frown Why we don’t hang out downtown I said I don't care What they got downtown When the mall's got Sarah Meyers And summer year-round We will avoid The kids who smoke out front By the busted bike racks They don't even care who sees them We will avoid Laughing at the elderly power walkers They don't even care who sees them And we won't care Who sees us holding court At the food court
17.
White pride Smiles wide She doesn’t have a good side I wish she’d relax while I pretend technique She never learns She always turns But she’s got good coin to burn And now the paint is drying as we speak I can tell this is going to be a shit week White lies True and tried Until she acts like we’re on the same side But she could not be any more mislead My skin’s Lack of melanin Makes these assholes think that I am in Some fucking club that I never attended But I can tell this ain’t gonna end … well ... I don’t want to be That Guy Painting portrait of a rich man’s wife Though it pays for all my supplies It’s not what I want to do I don’t want to be That Guy But here I am hauling brushes and paint knives Painting pictures of a woman I don’t like And feeling like a fool But I’m not so I oughta stop cropping out the ugly bits Or just quit and get back to painting the moon The whites of his eyes Bring to mind An empty canvas left high and dry It must be nice deciding who proceeds His white words Overheard “Success requires failure” Must be nice... losing to succeed I don’t want to be That Guy Sucking up to folks who think I Might make them look more dignified For all their fancy friends I don’t want to be That Guy But here I am trading work for dignity Faking smiles for the aristocracy Until the bitter end But I don’t gotta so I oughta stop taking every paying gig Or just quit and get back to painting you I don’t want to be That Guy Courting counts and turning a blind eye Though it pays for all my supplies It’s not what I want to do I don’t want to be That Guy But here I am with my brushes and paint knives Painting pictures of people I don’t like I’m just another tool I don’t want to be That Guy I don’t want to be That Guy I don’t want to be That Guy
18.
Week 18: Bop 01:55
Bop!
19.
Do you ever feel like we should just stop? It’s too late to turn back now but maybe not too late to drop it Do you ever feel like a stranger In a familiar land? And all your stuff has become contraband? You say there is still love in the air And just because I don’t feel it doesn’t mean that it’s not there But as we float around the drain Burning questions remain Unanswered like your prayers You say just show us a smile You say try running a mile You say it’s all in my head Just imagine the best And go manifest it Do you remember on my birthday I turned 18 that April then I left for good in May But we held on while the holding was good I lied to you that I would Never let my faith dissipate We stayed up until the white noise from the cars on I-75 Conspired with the sun to bury the night alive And all the alcohol we drank And all the drugs we could take Wouldn’t slow the morning light You said show me that smile You said I should change my hairstyle You were something to behold Something to be held As we both fell I fear My morbid imagination Gets in the way Of the straight and narrow I sincerely Hope that I’m wrong But I’m not feeling strong And I can’t help but long for those days Do you ever feel like we should let go? It’s too late to turn back now But maybe we should just cancel the show Do you ever feel like a fraud Living a facade? Where every new idea’s recycled group-thought? You say just soak in a hot tub You say try joining my book club Well I saw your event And I responded interested But I won’t go I fear My morbid imagination Gets in the way Of the straight and narrow I sincerely Hope that I’m wrong But I’m not feeling strong And I can’t help but long for those days I fear My morbid imagination Gets in the way Every day I sincerely Hope that you’re right When you say it’s a phase And everything will be okay
20.
Calibrate your logic Against the sky Just make sure your watch is Synchronized We’ve got a strange situation It’s gonna take all of your attention So stay close And alert And try to remain Undeterred Or you’ll wind up getting deserted Configure the compass Zoom out your view Sometimes the shortest path is not The hypotenuse This is a strange situation Your geometry is deprecated Navigate Through the trees Calculate Your trajectory Pick a scale Before you pick a degree This is a strange situation You feel a funny combination Of the happy And the sad And the sense that you don’t know where you’re at Hoping that the grid lines lead you back
21.
I am In my best mood When I reach cruising altitude But when I cannot thread the eyelet I switch to autopilot To take me from where I am to Striking distance of where You are At your best, friend When I feel myself descend It’s an optical illusion Mode confusion Has got me wondering Which way is up and which way is down Eyes shut I'm too high but I am the pilot Giddy headed Peering through the smoke Wondering Who has the yoke Wondering If this is all a Bad joke I have a feeling The punchline Will not make me laugh Now I feel like a balloon Getting strewn Hoping to end up in Striking distance of where you are Eyes shut I'm too high but I’m no pilot Dizzy headed Peering through a hole Wondering who has control Wondering who has control
22.
I am an architect My buildings are circumspect Inspectors cannot inspect Without appealing to my darker side I’m an elevator ride The higher that my buildings grow The more I know This elevator is coming close To the highest floor I’ll ever design And I’m scared So I’m taking the stairs To get back down to the basics I well know Wood blocks and Legos To find somehow that interlocking logic Are there no more projects in this Torn and tattered heart If I put it all together Why can’t I take it all apart I am a builder My buildings bewilder If it feels off kilter Please just don’t look down My foundation is built upon An ancient burial ground The higher that my buildings grow The more I know That vertigo Will be taking hold And I’m surrounded by ghosts And I’m scared And a little bit embarrassed So I go back to the things that I know well Cowering in stairwells To hide somehow from an unsettled spirit Although I hear its Torn and tattered heart Is not unlike mine All that I’ve learned Is that I’m not very smart Once I put it all together I want to tear it all apart I’ll go back to the basics I well know Lincoln Logs and Legos To find somehow that interlocking logic And make a project of my Torn and tattered heart But once I put it back together I’ll probably tear it all apart Because I’m not very smart I am an architect
23.
I wanna get out of dodge As I lay down in the back seat of the one in my dad’s garage Close my eyes and imagine I am in my own car Somewhere very far away In the silence I remember I don’t have a driver's license That’s okay I prefer the bus anyway Although a car is both a way to travel And a place to stay I am uncertain of the method and the date I am uncertain of side roads or freeways I am uncertain of pretty much everything that awaits I wanna get out of dodge But I can’t evade the feeling these decisions I make today Will never be unmade So I’ll just close my eyes and imagine I’m not afraid I am uncertain of the method and the date I am uncertain of my final resting place I am uncertain of pretty much everything it’ll take One thing’s for certain: I can’t stay
24.
25.
We're having fun We're gonna die
26.
I didn’t think that it would matter When I was leaving work And I took a wrong turn I felt no need to go any faster And it was a lovely day So I figured I’d take the long way home I didn’t think that it would matter But then I found myself In an unfamiliar place I’m not a good direction asker Anyway there’s not much Waiting for me at home Maybe I should Stop and find my place Turn around Head back to town and Lay down Rest my weary frown I didn’t think that it would matter But now I’m chasing a setting sun Around the next bend Feeling relieved of all the clatter Not ready to be done Not ready for this to end And go Home Yes I know I should go back I know Someone there might even care Instead I throw My phone out the window Buy more fuel to burn I may never return but I don’t think that it will matter
27.
The days creep up our steps like mormon boys We are stuck in a loop like a white noise generator Bought from a Chinese sweatshop How much is too much? It never ends How much is too much? It’s a trick question We’re in an election season Come on and show us your good swing Show us you really know the fairway Clearly you got skills and clubs Can you chip us out of the deep rough or something? The days tumble down our steps like your drunk friends We are stuck in a loop like divine science fiction Shit, is it November again? How much is too much? It’s all an act How much is too much? Do you even have to ask? As they pull down their ski masks and run In a free and fair election Two commas are bare minimum You know they say the sun Never sets on The American Way You know how it goes most Tuesdays
28.
They’re keeping track of me I guarantee it I want to be alone With the fireflies on the west coast Sending smoke signals back home And the radios up in orbit somewhere Keep me feeling stoned I’m not gonna lie I can’t explain why I just know, I just know, I just know Feels good to See through it all Their leaden veils and their brazen tales But the truth leaks through the cracks in their walls They’re keeping track of things So we don’t have to And if you come back around here I’m going to move your made-up mind somehow so Bring a hungry heart with your dusty doubt They’re keeping track of me I guarantee it Though I don’t really mind anymore I see the ways of the world now And it seems I was wrong before Thank God I figured it out The firebugs and the satellite drugs Protect me from the spreading wars I’m not gonna lie I’ve changed my mind As long as they keep me safe I’m on board As long as they keep me safe I’m on board Feels good to Pierce through the pall Their leaden veils and their brazen tales ‘Til the truth leaks out and I drink it all They’re keeping track of me I guarantee it
29.
Is she is skipping rocks on a lake in Arkansas Is she catching a tan on the Baltic Sea Maybe she’s hitchhiking across Antarctica Is there a girl - a girl who will dance with me? And when I dance It’s like I’m walking on a trampoline Like there are thumb tacks under my feet I’m like a fish swimming up a stream... I’m always dancing in the morning light I’m always dancing in my dreams at night But I’d stop long enough to open the door And then I’d dance some more Does she know her way around the city Does she have a sense of directionality Does she speak a language I can learn to speak Is there a girl - a girl who will dance with me? And when I dance I might be moonwalking down your street Like Michael Jackson on dramamine Maybe not, but you know what I mean I’ll be dancing in the morning light I’ll be dancing in my dreams at night But I’ll stop long enough to let her in Then I’ll start dancing again Is she splashing down this very street Trying to stay dry in the pouring rain Is she seeking shelter on my front porch Is this the one - the girl who will dance with me? Will we dance Like we’re walking on a trampoline Like we’re skipping through a movie scene Like we’re some ancient King and Queen We’ll be dancing in the morning light We’ll be dancing in our dreams at night I’m gonna stop just long enough to let her in from stormy weather And then we’ll dance together And then we’ll dance together
30.
He was nervy on his first day He’d lied on his resume He felt so unqualified To be there in the first place She smiled in his direction That was all he needed to relax And so he smiled back Before too long they’re sneaking Taking secret meetings Touching base, working late Thanking god for mondays Co-workers with benefits Making out inside the office closet On a Tuesday afternoon He says I think I’m falling for you She says I think I’m falling too Then she winks and fixes his lapel Makes him promise not to kiss and tell Just keep it business casual Soon their fears were mounting When Sarah in accounting Pulled them both aside To see what’s up At first they tried denying it But Sarah wasn’t buying it You guys are bad at hiding it Everybody already knows Everybody already knows She says I think I’m falling for you He says I think I’m falling too She smiles like on the day they met We thought we were Romeo and Juliet Turns out everybody was cool with it It was business as usual They thought they were like Romeo and Juliet Keeping it business casual But they discovered that everyone was cool with it It was business as usual
31.
The sun is mild The forest wild The fires are domesticated The stars are lost The sky exhausted And I’m isolated from All of the reasons I came Disclaimer: I’m lame Tell me that story again About snow in the summertime The river deserts The valley inverts The view from my bedroom window Come ring my bell Peek into my well-lit But empty living room I made a list why I stay 1st reason: I’m lame Tell me that story again About swimming in the wintertime
32.
I saw you Tugging on a wagon full of trinkets and artworks And bottles of booze I knew right then I’m gonna find a way to beg or borrow Or steal my own wagon Because You always have your shit together Covered with a tarp in the inclement weather I saw you Serenading ladies on the corner of Higgins and Main I knew right then I’m gonna find a way to sing and play My very own instrument Because You always have your shit together Making people smile in the inclement weather My doctor tells me that I’m healthy It’s true My therapist tells that I’m lucky That’s true too So why on Earth is it so hard for me to Be anybody but you Anybody but you I saw you Doubled over in the alley with your bottle of booze And your guitar coming unglued I knew right then I was gonna find a way to harness My own depression Because You never had your shit together Acting like it’s sunny in the inclement weather My doctor tells me that I’m healthy It’s true My therapist says that I’m so lucky That’s true too So why on Earth is it so hard for me to Be anybody but you Anybody but you
33.
Because I sucked your fingertip Tasted the prick of blood Seasoned with mud Every time I bite my lip I wonder how much of you Still runs through These veins I know what we promised each other You are still my blood brother But do you remember? Because you sucked my fingertip Laughed when the deal was sealed With a handshake in a field Now when you get a papercut Do you recall Imagine me flowing all Through your veins I know what we promised each other You are still my blood brother Do you remember we said forever?
34.
I spend too much time projecting intellectual Implying future-perfect, well That makes no sense It’s only tense after all I confessed In my passive voice I professed my love 20 plus years past the first big shove Our hearts bound now by weakened rope I hope you’re not losing hope And then you look at me like I’m dumb As we head back to square one I tend to let things go for way too long Chewing on my gum until the flavor’s gone And even when my jaw starts to wear down I never ever spit it out I don’t wanna burst your bubblegum As we head back to square one I remember when you told me that you laid awake All night with a bad headache And I knew right away What you were trying to say Didn’t I? That was the moment you first grabbed my gut And you held tight as it expanded but Now it seems like all we do is reminisce About our first kiss So I’m gonna wake up from the slumber And take you back to square wonder
35.
36.
Daisy on a hill so far away Daisy on a hill so far away Lazy on a hill I'll lie here until The sunlight fades I'll think about every place I’d rather lay with Daisy So far away Daisy on a hill there in my mind Daisy on a hill there like a shrine Lazy on a hill I'll lie here until Daisy’s mine Talkin’ about a long time And each night I sit Alone in my bed I want to be angry I want to be sad I want to be hungry I want to be led I want to keep wanting I want but instead Tomorrow will see me smile At a daisy on a hill so far away
37.
When you say this is the calm before The whole damn thing shuts down You pray you’re right I say you’re wrong Though I know this slo-mo show is shown in every town Things might feel okay some days But soon enough it turns around What you saw in my eyes No more compromise But in the end your prayers are gonna let you down I don’t wanna be a dick But then again I kind of do Yo I know we have some history But I’m done expecting more from you Well here we are you’ve made decisions That were never in your hands I don’t want to turn this Into a whole thing Oh wait I guess that is exactly what I’m doing I don’t wanna be a dick But then again I kind of do Yo I know we have a history of tension But Christmas dinner is out of the question And as you try to sleep tonight And think about our fight I hope you still hear my voice saying Trans rights are human rights
38.
39.
Wake up you’re here now You don’t even know how This all came together In the blink Of a wink No one else is here Just you and your fear So you gotta lay down Your welcome mat Breaking bad Habitation With no relation Welcome to your new way It’s gonna punch you right in the face Standard Operating Karma’s Gonna get you But this is not where you live You feel like a Sleep Over Kid Hungry and homesick For a home You don’t know Means no relation Bad habitation Wake up and theorize About a planet that keeps you alive With the Same Old Kindness That makes others pray Makes you delay Gratification With no relation Bad Habitation
40.
You promised endless verse And then collapsed into the universe No longer rising above the din I suppose I shoulda seen it comin' I suspected the end was near Then you revealed it was always here Shifted attention from eyes to ears Cuz I couldn't see What I could hear The band wasn't loud but my ears rang Felt the cold air Rushing around around when the door swang Open to the Snow on the ground And you walking out That sound's got a sound of its own Harmony always seems to know Whispering to me through a megaphone A crowd gathering 'round the cone Of uncertainty, now She certainly knows how My poetry's so on fleek I write a new one every week And if you asks me what this one's about I don't know But she's no doubt the (weak one) Week one I said "It happens every time" You think I exaggerated Fine: every other time Sometimes a line's justa line That makes a good rhyme And that line's got a rhyme of its own Don't think too much into it now As it turns out My mind's got a mind of its own
41.
Buy the farm hand me down to fuck Bet the house always wins bad luck Easter mass shooting up in back Feast yer eye balls and strikes yer match (Match) made in heaven Ocean's eleven The moon is full of shit happens Your arteries are clog dancin’ Dance to the (a)musement park in back Feast yer eyeball and chain smoke stack (Stack) overflow Sleep in the casino (see no) evil
42.
I will be fine I will be fine Hey, love of mine I will be fine I don’t say it lightly Though I think it nightly And I know it’s good to check in sometimes I will be fine I will be fine Hey, love of mine I will be fine It feels like far too long I’ve been writing sad songs But I just want you to know that I’ll be fine
43.
44.
My lawyer disappeared about a week ago The secretary of state is blackmailing me My wife ran away with a woman from Leningrad And I really have to pee My prisoner has escaped The police sirens are getting louder Their dogs are surely onto my scent by now And I just ripped my favorite trousers Now I watch my chateau burn to the ground Spotlights shine down from helicopters overhead I'm bleeding from a gunshot wound to the chest It’s a wonder I’m not dead But as I jump into the boat, I whisper to myself... "Everything is going according to my plan."
45.
You’d say that’s the way that the wind blows Even when we’re in a hurricane But I see how you mean the best when you say these things You were wearing your new shirt from old navy The very day we were swept out to sea As we struggled to stay above the water You wondered where you kept the receipt You wondered where you kept the receipt Let’s not brace ourselves We don’t need to brace ourselves Might as well let ourselves get carried away You’d say that’s the way the cookie crumbles Even if we haven’t eaten for days So sweet how you mean the best when you say these things You were dreaming of a meal you might cook for me By pushing buttons on a microwave And even there in your imagination You checked the expiration date And saved the last bite for your friend Let’s not pace ourselves Slow down for anybody else Might as well let ourselves get carried away Let’s not brace ourselves We don’t need to pace ourselves Might as well let ourselves get carried away Let’s not pace ourselves Slow down for anybody else Might as well let ourselves get carried away Before our expiration date
46.
I admit I live a charmed life acting like my shit don’t stink And I like to think I live in harmony Though often times I feel so Out of tune Tune out the outside when the bare black sky Amplifies the good reasons why These lonely bones keep clattering on and on Like an automaton In the middle of the night When I’ve got restless legs Is this fight or is this flight? Cuz I’ve got restless legs It’s late eve and I grieve as I re-read The transcript of my own testimony Massage my aching muscle memory And my decision tree is Binary And like a whiplash, a big clash Should I stay or should I go go go back Lash my stash to the car and catch the vast at last I can cast off Pins and needles in my feet I’ve got restless legs Where the rubber hits the street I’ve got restless legs In the middle of the night When I’ve got restless legs Is this fight or is this flight? Cuz I’ve got restless legs Pins and needles in my old age I’ve got restless legs Where the rubber hits the road rage I’ve got restless legs
47.
This machine is poetry in motion This machine works best when it’s broken This machine is something to see This machine is me This machine is This machine runs 24/7 This machine keeps working when it is sleeps This machine is guaranteed to break down Eventually This machine is me Information - it is a notion I cannot wrap my head around Information - it is an ocean I cannot jump into Lest I soak my circuits and burn out This machine’s uncertain where it came from This machine’s just a lever for some fulcrum This machine no longer hears the soft hum Of its own energy Stored potentially This machine is me Information - endless abyss I wipe my data with a kiss Information - endless kinesis This machine is helpless This machine is jealous This machine is me
48.
Week 48 of the 2019 song-a-week challenge. The theme this week was "revolution". Lyrically, I riffed pretty heavily off of Youth Against Fascism by Sonic Youth. HATE THAT SONG Another storm of shit A sieg heil-in’ president Still banging the same old gong I still hate that song Good people on both sides Y’all are pretty much hypnotized 27 years on I still hate that song I hate that song When your white bread turns to toast Your dark days will never give up the ghost But nothing matters when everyone’s wrong I still hate that song I’ll say it ‘til my throat is sore I believe Kristine Blasey Ford But I bet they give that judge a fucking award I still hate that song I hate that song And while you twiddle thumbs Waiting around for a revolution Your kids punch nazis for fun I kinda like that song
49.
Go tell the story of the glory of the Dig Dug Go speak and spell and gel your hair and hang your phone up Stay there while you can Do the mirror dance Put your walkman on Play a song that reminds you of My Buddy and Me You revealed a concealed VHS tape and Explained that you had been abducted by an alien I said I’m sorry man Sipped Clearly Canadian Sure I’ll watch your tape But first I wanna watch Mannequin If this was a screenplay We would have scrapped the whole script by now Because no one would believe the way things actually turned out And it feels like more and more We are at war with a place and a time That we cannot force Our will upon Go tell the story of the glory of the New Coke You drank your Tang and sang your songs at karaoke Called off the Space Shuttle It was scuttled It was temporal like the coral Simons Says its amoral But what does he know If this was a screenplay We would have scrapped the whole script by now Because no one would believe the way things actually turned out And it feels like more and more We are at war with a place and a time That we cannot force Our will upon
50.
Woke up suspended between The here and the there Here felt so far away from where There felt so close to my heart As I embarked I heard his voice all critical But pretty much always right Could it really be he’s on the line Asking for my company One of us must be dreaming Oh how Did he figure out My precise coordination He says His best As good as mine Can we both be right sometimes? (Suddenly I’m) Driving through the canyons Of my father’s furrowed brow I could write a travel guide right now Straight from my memory All the sites to see His hair like a thin white forest From the vantage point there On the bump on his nose Halfway to his actuary eyes That criticize With love With love With love I hope we get to visit again real soon
51.
Waking up in the back seat Hear his keys put the engine to sleep Hear his soft voice telling me We're home Too tired to move my feet Feel the rush of the winter air As he opens the door to carry Me inside Past icicles and Christmas lights I felt warmth on frigid nights When he'd sing me to sleep Helping her bake the cookies The sweet smell fills my nose And she lets me lick the frosting From the bowl When he walks in the front door I run to give him a taste Of the special things that we made So proud Icicles and Christmas lights I deal cards at least I try From his lap While everyone laughs At a joke that I don't Understand Then it’s like all of a sudden The intervening years saw everything change Now he doesn’t sing me to sleep anymore And she never asks me to bake I wish so badly As years pass I could go back And I refused to be happy If this is how the world is going to be No one's gonna see the real me. These ideas come to me And I just want to know Why they seem to let go When I need them the most Christmas Eve when the tears roll down The disappointment on her face As he lectures me that I should appreciate I’ve heard it all a million times I guess it’s finally sinking in And my head is starting to spin Icicles and Christmas lights Take me back to those warm nights Now I know Why they seem to let go When It feels Like I need them the most It’s because I don’t When I think that I need them the most I can do it on my own When I think that I need them the most I can come and I can go When I think that I need them the most And now it looks like it’s time to go
52.
REPEAT AND FADE it feels like years ago Or does it feel like yesterday? I’m not sure but I am sincere when I say this whole damn year’s been Such a blurry mess that I’m not sure if it was worth it or wasted Okay I know it’s not And you know I know it’s not Still I go back and forth and back each day Repeat and fade I found excuses to build a cocoon Start a new project that keeps me consumed Hole up alone in a windowless room Build a little factory for cranking out tunes Avoid the truth and Pretend what I do Is important to you But I know it’s not And I know you know that it’s not Still I go back and forth and back each week Fade out while I repeat I imagine ten years from now It will feel like the snap of a finger Since I put down these rhymes And I’ll cringe as nostalgia lingers I’ve said before and I’ll say it some more It happens every time! And I know it’s true And I hope you know it too So sit back and watch the decades Repeat and fade Repeat and fade Repeat and fade Repeat and fade

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I'm posting a song a week in 2019 ... for some reason. At least, I'm gonna try.

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released January 1, 2019

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John Brownell Missoula, Montana

Singer / songwriter / recorder in Missoula, MT.

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