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Repeat and Fade

by John Brownell

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1.
I admit I live a charmed life acting like my shit don’t stink And I like to think I live in harmony Though often times I feel so Out of tune Tune out the outside when the bare black sky Amplifies the good reasons why These lonely bones keep clattering on and on Like an automaton In the middle of the night When I’ve got restless legs Is this fight or is this flight? Cuz I’ve got restless legs It’s late eve and I grieve as I re-read The transcript of my own testimony Massage my aching muscle memory And my decision tree is Binary And like a whiplash, a big clash Should I stay or should I go go go back Lash my stash to the car and catch the vast at last I can cast off Pins and needles in my feet I’ve got restless legs Where the rubber hits the street I’ve got restless legs In the middle of the night When I’ve got restless legs Is this fight or is this flight? Cuz I’ve got restless legs Pins and needles in my old age I’ve got restless legs Where the rubber hits the road rage I’ve got restless legs
2.
Hidden Hand 03:50
Took a lap Around the life sized map All frayed at the edges By the boundary hedges Where the pixels appear And the compass line veers Into the alpha glow Sat alone In the overgrown As the moon’s light traded With the sun’s light faded When a glitch in the system Revealed a hidden schism And the seams began to show In the grasses and in the trees On the edge of the periphery The cracks Distract Until the stitches are all I see But I’m not gonna think about it anymore Just want to sit and watch the way This day Fades from my display As the hidden hand traces the rays As the hidden hand traces the rays The hidden hand that animates us Also animates the stardust Though I’m inclined To think not so divine As I examine its kludgy design Could it be the engineering involved Is all mundane now and pretty much solved And now these gods unaware Of the gray in my hair Are stuck reticulating splines Your very own creator Master simulator Is asleep at the wheel How does it make you feel I’m not gonna think about it anymore Just want to watch and mystify The skies Reflected in my eyes As the hidden hand renders the light As the hidden hand renders the light Now the scene grows liminal I lose my grip on traditional And I surmise I'm just copy with no original I’m not gonna think about it anymore Just want to sit and watch the way This day Fades from the display As the hidden hand traces the rays I’m not gonna think about it anymore Just want to watch and mystify The skies Reflected in my eyes While the hidden hand hides from me The hidden hand hides from me
3.
I will be fine I will be fine Hey, love of mine I will be fine I don’t say it lightly Though I think it nightly And I know it’s good to check in sometimes I will be fine I will be fine Hey, love of mine I will be fine It feels like far too long I’ve been writing sad songs But I just want you to know that I will be fine
4.
I never thought I’d have to be the one to say to you Darling Every single thing you’ve come to know is wrong. It’s startling. As the sticky cloudy mess of your old memories displace You’ll find You’re exactly where you’ve always been in this particular space And time It always starts out unfamiliar But true awareness is a real pain killer And soon enough you’ll recognize this voice is mine I never thought I’d have to be the one to tell you Darling Every little thing you’ve come to know as something was nothing. And the itchy sneaking sense you recognize as familiarity Baby It over exposes your nerves they grow like roses it’s true This is the real you The mysterious dream foundation of The collective consciousness is love In the library of your mind I hope you didn’t waste your time
5.
I spend too much time projecting intellectual Implying future-perfect, well That makes no sense It’s only tense after all I confessed In my passive voice I professed my love 20 plus years past the first big shove Our hearts bound now by weakened rope I hope you’re not losing hope And then you look at me like I’m dumb As we head back to square one I tend to let things go for way too long Chewing on my gum until the flavor’s gone And even when my jaw starts to wear down I never ever spit it out I don’t wanna burst your bubblegum As we head back to square one I remember when you told me that you laid awake All night with a bad headache And I knew right away What you were trying to say Didn’t I? That was the moment you first grabbed my gut And you held tight as it expanded but Now it seems like all we do is reminisce About our first kiss So I’m gonna wake up from the slumber And take you back to square wonder
6.
I don’t need a friend Who tells me everything is alright When it’s not alright But I don’t need a friend Who tells me everything is wrong When every thing is wrong You had your reasons for tightening the lid You had your reasons for keeping that fact hid While I cannot see the other side of your eyelids I wonder if you remember what you did Do you remember what you did? Well sure, I felt a bit stupid I admit took a cheap cheap shot Escalated when I shoulda just walked away But I swore I wouldn’t do it That thing where I pretend it’s alright When it’s not all right I had my reasons for walking on eggshells I didn’t wanna get into the lies we story-tell I wanna be the author of the writing on the wall So when you see it you will know who to call When you see it you will know who to call He don’t need a friend with which to play He don’t need to meditate He don't need to get to work by 8 He don’t need us He don’t need us Anyway You had your reasons for ripping off the lid You had your reasons for calling me on my bullshit We cannot see the other side of our ego trip But I remember what you did I remember what you did I don’t need a friend
7.
See Ya Later 02:23
I wasn't looking for a friend But apparently you were You would show up here every day In the field while I work You’d seem to wonder why I don’t just up and fly And leave this work behind me I wasn't looking for a friend But apparently you knew She’s been gone for 3 years now Or is it only 2? You have no need for me I used to chase you from the apple tree But now it makes me smile to see you here again When I look at you like I just wanna leave You look back as if to say, “Just use your wings." Silly bird! I wasn’t looking for a friend But there you are Looking at me like I’m dummy As I get into my car And say out loud, “I’ll see ya later”
8.
S.O.K. 02:28
Wake up you’re here now You don’t even know how This all came together In the blink Of a wink No one else is here Just you and your fear So you gotta lay down Your welcome mat Breaking bad Habitation With no relation Welcome to your new way It’s gonna punch you right in the face Standard Operating Karma’s Gonna get you But this is not where you live You feel like a Sleep Over Kid Hungry and homesick For a home You don’t know Means no relation Bad habitation Wake up and theorize About a planet that keeps you alive With the Same Old Kindness That makes others pray Makes you delay Gratification With no relation Bad Habitation
9.
High Time 03:06
You are a sweet talker And I devour every word that you bake You are a fast walker And I struggle to keep up with your pace You are my beta blocker In a rainstorm under the roof You are electroshocker When this awful place drives me cuckoo And as the world gets meaner Our house gets cleaner It’s high time To get high Put on our birthday suits Lock the doors Ignore the wars Don’t watch the news There are plenty of people Who are much worse off And though I don’t know exactly who I’ll bet they’re fighting I hope they’re fighting in lieu Of me and you You are a laughing gasser I used to laugh at your worldview I am a first classer You once saw first class on your way to the loo I am the forecaster And there’s big storm making landfall We are dark matter It turns out we don’t matter at all And as the world grows ugly We’ll cuddle snugly It’s high time We get high As the world goes down the tubes Turn off our goddamn phones Blow each others’ nose And stop watching the fucking news There are plenty of people Who are much worse off Than me and you And I bet they’re fighting I’ll bet they’re fighting I’ll bet somebody’s fighting And since we’re not fighting I hope they do
10.
I saw you Tugging on a wagon full of trinkets and artworks And bottles of booze I knew right then I’m gonna find a way to beg or borrow Or steal my own wagon Because You always have your shit together Covered with a tarp in the inclement weather I saw you Serenading ladies on the corner of Higgins and Main I knew right then I’m gonna find a way to sing and play My very own instrument Because You always have your shit together Making people smile in the inclement weather My doctor tells me that I’m healthy It’s true My therapist tells that I’m lucky That’s true too So why on Earth is it so hard for me to Be anybody but you Anybody but you I saw you Doubled over in the alley with your bottle of booze And your guitar coming unglued I knew right then I was gonna find a way to harness My own depression Because You never had your shit together Acting like it’s sunny in the inclement weather My doctor tells me that I’m healthy It’s true My therapist says that I’m so lucky That’s true too So why on Earth is it so hard for me to Be anybody but you Anybody but you
11.
This Machine 02:22
This machine is poetry in motion This machine works best when it’s broken This machine is something to see This machine is me This machine is This machine runs 24/7 This machine keeps working when it is sleeps This machine is guaranteed to break down Eventually This machine is me Information - it is a notion I cannot wrap my head around Information - it is an ocean I cannot jump into Lest I soak my circuits and burn out This machine’s uncertain where it came from This machine’s just a lever for some fulcrum This machine no longer hears the soft hum Of its own energy Stored potentially This machine is me Information - endless abyss I wipe my data with a kiss Information - endless kinesis This machine is helpless This machine is jealous This machine is me
12.
Do you ever feel like we should just stop? It’s too late to turn back now but maybe not too late to drop it Do you ever feel like a stranger In a familiar land? And all your stuff has become contraband? You say there is still love in the air And just because I don’t feel it doesn’t mean that it’s not there But as we float around the drain Burning questions remain Unanswered like your prayers You say just show us a smile You say try running a mile You say it’s all in my head Just imagine the best And go manifest it Do you remember on my birthday I turned 18 that April then I left for good in May But we held on while the holding was good I lied to you that I would Never let my faith dissipate We stayed up until the white noise from the cars on I-75 Conspired with the sun to bury the night alive And all the alcohol we drank And all the drugs we could take Wouldn’t slow the morning light You said show me that smile You said I should change my hairstyle You were something to behold Something to be held As we both fell I fear My morbid imagination Gets in the way Of the straight and narrow I sincerely Hope that I’m wrong But I’m not feeling strong And I can’t help but long for those days Do you ever feel like we should let go? It’s too late to turn back now But maybe we should just cancel the show Do you ever feel like a fraud Living a facade? Where every new idea’s recycled group-thought? You say just soak in a hot tub You say try joining my book club Well I saw your event And I responded interested But I won’t go I fear My morbid imagination Gets in the way Of the straight and narrow I sincerely Hope that I’m wrong But I’m not feeling strong And I can’t help but long for those days I fear My morbid imagination Gets in the way Every day I sincerely Hope that you’re right When you say it’s a phase And everything will be okay
13.
My pretty ditty pits its Petulant intents against The sense my friends are fences I must try to ascend I dreamed a different scene The grass was greener I could glean a new crew One that would skew to Venues i don't do And for the first time in my life I’ll sing about the last time In my life I’ll never figure it out Oh my God I’ll never figure it out The Michiganders Set the standard I got gerrymandered My head was redistricted My heart was unbound I flew the coop, regrouped And discharged all my troops I scooped good views And dirtied shoes Now i avoid my old town And for the last time in my life I’ll sing about the first time In my life I’ll never figure it out Oh my God I’ll never figure it out For the first time in my life I felt justified to Harmonize For the first time in my life I started writing songs and making music That I actually kinda liked to listen to And I was like Oh My God I think I figured it out I think I figured it out
14.
it feels like years ago Or does it feel like yesterday? I’m not sure but I am sincere when I say this whole damn year’s been Such a blurry mess that I’m not sure if it was worth it or wasted Okay I know it’s not And you know I know it’s not Still I go back and forth and back each day Repeat and fade I found excuses to build a cocoon Start a new project that keeps me consumed Hole up alone in a windowless room Build a little factory for cranking out tunes Avoid the truth and Pretend what I do Is important to you But I know it’s not And I know you know that it’s not Still I go back and forth and back each week Fade out while I repeat I imagine ten years from now It will feel like the snap of a finger Since I put down these rhymes And I’ll cringe as nostalgia lingers I’ve said before and I’ll say it some more It happens every time! And I know it’s true And I hope you know it too So sit back and watch the decades Repeat and fade Repeat and fade Repeat and fade Repeat and fade

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A selection of recordings from my 2019 song-a-week challenge.

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released January 27, 2020

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John Brownell Missoula, Montana

Singer / songwriter / recorder in Missoula, MT.

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